Monday 25-Jan-93 00:10:06 from nehpets Sometimes I sit for more than an hour, just watching everything, trying to ignore us (humans and our things). And wonder how we can think to be any kind of master over nature. We must obey the laws still. I mean, rats follow us everywhere, and survive without our personal wonder-gadgets. Squirrels, they wander, romp, play. They're not concerned with removing anything overmuch. A single squirrel I watched. It wandered down a tree, looked at me, scampered all around. it found a nut, stuffed it in its mouth, and wandered around. It sat there and dug in, like it was driving a hole in with its head, then put the nut in and covered it up, and grabbed another nut. Then it scampered around and did it again. We do this, sometimes we don't do this, but it's just too boring and simple. Anything can do anything, yet we think we do it all. Do we even think. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:13:50 from nehpets Intelligence is only as good as ones resources. A man with a dictionary, by volume, is likely to be much more intelligent than any man without it, assuming the dictionary's worth is good. He without the dictionary knows only so many words, and paraphrases most, if not all, definitions and the like. He with the dictionary, while taking longer, knows them all, as they are. The fool with a library, who knows how to use it, knows more than the genius on an island with no library. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:15:44 from nehpets The genius is a strange term. These are people that think in such ways to cause any normal life to be boring. These are eccentric people, always. There will be less normalcy the furthur away from the norm obviously, but our society is geared towards an intelligent 'norm' that is only held by a few people, while the most of the people range above or below that norm. This intelligence leads to boredom on the upscale, and lack of understanding of even what there would be to understand on the downscale. By this, the people who would do the special things, on either end, get tossed off as careless, not bothering with anything. We punish people for being intelligent, if they do not apply this intelligence solely towards our societal extreme. The smart one will do 4.0, will excel, will become perfect, to appease people, and will become trapped. All life is is that perfection. One is one's intelligence here, and one's intelligence is no longer a joy. This is nothing, this loses the person, and creates an extremely flawed computer. The actual people will do anything, flunk, 4.0, any end, anywhere in between, and be forced to conform to normalcy if left to others. this is as stuffing a banana into one's nose. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:22:43 from nehpets Fantasies would seem to self-terminate. If one should imagine something, and if ones imagination is good enough, then the conclusion of fantasy is a true conclusion. There it should end, for any re-enactment will lack the originality and be fraught with problems. Fantasize well, and often. Every moment that passes, you will encounter something you may wish of, or lust for. In those moments, imagine as they would happen, regardless of if they happened, and be done with it. To latch onto anything in a point in time may lose your track of where time is. You may become lost in this. Augmentation. Never fear a fantasy, never fear a discovery of a fantasy. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:27:46 from nehpets I always seem to know when I do something, when I'm doing it. Once I've done it, I forget what time it is now. Is this why I never know how long a thing would take? Monday 25-Jan-93 00:28:27 from nehpets As time passes, I lose time. Once days would slip by, then weeks would vanish. Months even. Now I have no concept of time in relation to occurence. Time is a concept that I do not choose to conceive in its entirety, I accept the forms as a standard, yet ignore the applications. If I ignored the forms, would time cease? Would the world go on in time, and I without? Would interactive continue in normalcy, or would there be change? If I did not go with time, yet others did, and we shared the continuity, say I would be in such time changes, yet not by virtue of time, would it not give me a view that seemed unusual, even to me, as accustomed by time, and I, as result, so different to those in time? Monday 25-Jan-93 00:31:47 from nehpets How is it that someone, as my mom, can see a thing as 'cute', coo at it, and speak at ease, yet be so shocked by it, it's mere name? A bat, if the right kind, is just another cute fuzzy thing, with wings. Yet people commonly think horribly of it? Ignorance is a part, yes, but even informed, many continue, even if in part.. Hypocracy is part of life, so much so that we may experience hypocratic hypocracy. The act itself may speak one thing, do another. Would this be 4 possibilities? mayhap 6. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:34:51 from nehpets Sometimes I manage to get fed up. It builds inside me, slowly, very slowly as yet being let out in everything. The door closes, and I let it seep out, I sit down. Everything is a conglomeration of release and action. But it may sometimes build. many large things can cause it, yet the size must be very large, and many of them, for I live without it. I can kill, reach out and destroy, for no reason other than that I would not ordinarily, yet I do not. I would see my teacher's neck, and could reach out, and kill, there are no consequences, no worry, no guilt, no problem, yet I do not. Not that I would not, not that I could not, not that I should not, I just don't. This is not fantasy abated, I do not fantasize, for I wish to know it, yet I do not do it. Why? Monday 25-Jan-93 00:38:15 from nehpets I feel music within me. it cries out of me, and I become it, then return. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:38:38 from nehpets A slowly striking pain. Sharp and sudden, then gone. Is it that the pain is so fast that It does not seem painful, as pleasure is thought first, or that by withdrawing, the feeling concludes on pleasure as the possibility, leaving that as the final. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:39:29 from nehpets A hand flies through the light through the room A hand lands on flesh. A hand pulls blood from skin and holds the blood for its life. The skin glows in blood and throbs in pained flesh. A body writhes through the darkness, creeping to itself. Wormed around the hand, the body feel the pain all over. The hand holds and crosses the skin, the blood slowly fills the room from the body. The body cries in joy of pain that feeds its hunger. it drowns in blood that feeds its pain. Hungry painful lust. Feeding painful blood. Light flashes through the darkness, but cannot see beyond the eyes, open wide. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:45:19 from nehpets A tear never falls from the eyes of the lonely. Surrounding by nothing, far from it all. There are things around, but nothing is there. Depression, fear, nobody is there, nobody will be there. Ever. Anger, they leave, they all leave, they lie. They speak, they'll be there, they'll return. They feel to themselves, you are behind. Despair, nothing else exists, they are gone, they left, forever. A tear falls from the eye. Run, scream, cry, they're gone, all gone, never here, alone, alone. A tear falls towards the ground. It's me, all me, I'm all there is, the world forsaken me, the lives gone away, the feelings forgotten. A tear hits the ground. Just me. Only me. Alone. A tear is no longer a tear. A life is no longer a life. Alone is no longer alone. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:49:04 from nehpets Early morning, I sit, and before, the night before, the things in my head, the actions, the feelings, gone. The morning seeps into my soul, and wakes me as the world. has all before been a dream I've had to make the now seem to be. Is it all gone, is it ever there? Monday 25-Jan-93 00:50:33 from nehpets The blue world spins my mind. I am asked of things, but I do not want them, they are not to me what they may be. Powerless, never. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:51:09 from nehpets I sit. I do nothing. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:51:37 from nehpets Flashes in my mind, I see these images, I feel these people. Trust destroyed, one tries to kill me. I trust yet, for trust is only what I can make it seem. If I do not trust, I may never trust nor be trusted. To trust without is fallacy, true loss, but returns a trust in times. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:53:27 from nehpets I have no confusion as to that person I am. I know when, what I will do, I know what I shall not do. But does that make me, or does knowing make that what I am? Is my life defined to others as what I seem, or what I do not seem? Monday 25-Jan-93 00:54:55 from nehpets People seek help because they wish to remain problemed. When a professional talks, he talks you into, or out of, something, he does not seek what is truly in your soul. He seeks to do what you seek him to do. When people have a problem, this one seeks to hide the problem, not to remove the seat of the problem. Once the problem is hidden, people see it not and assume it is not a problem. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:57:29 from nehpets k'y. Very not. Nirvana is very not. But so that very is not very, as very is, where very not would be not, but not very, but very not. Can very, when not , be very not, or not. paradox is reality. Only when one thing cannot be by virtue of itself, can one thing actually be. Otherwise it is only possible, the options make it possible to not be possible. Monday 25-Jan-93 00:59:10 from nehpets The rain, come rain. I dance in the rain, Free. The ants hide from the water, the pain of the world is too much. To be exposed to that which makes up what is around us shocks many, that they cannot survive it. Soak me, I live my life as *I* want to live my life, and things fall in. I ever do what I wish to do, and as I am content, the world sees what I do as the true to do, not that I did not do what they considered I should do. I define my truth, my choice of reality. Others may not impact it that I do not let them. Monday 25-Jan-93 01:01:36 from nehpets To call a person mad may be true, but it is not a problem. To consider insanity a defect is as bad as to call one without a leg defected. There may be a difference, but that difference defines a person. Ones actions as insane may seem less understandable, but are no less true than the actions of a sane person. Discrimination is a practice on the insane. It is unfair, but yet who would believe to let loose the many. That they cause harm may happen, but so may the sane, if there are truly any sane people. To treat them as normal, merely as different as we ought to be, and to go with them in that, and the harm may be reduced just as the norm is. Monday 25-Jan-93 01:16:44 from nehpets I remember a fire, and a fire beyond the fire. I remember and wish. I remember a bush, with sharpness to it. I remember and sigh. I remember a card, with likeness on it. I remember and think. This, then, consists of my life of type. Monday 25-Jan-93 01:19:23 from nehpets A face i see. I wonder of the face, and wish to know it. But the face is away, and always so. Why would the face seem so nice, yet I not know of the face? To be attracted to something would seem to point to some reason for some knowledge. Tuesday 26-Jan-93 01:31:42 from nehpets My head, the pain. Tuesday 26-Jan-93 19:54:53 from nehpets Throbbing beats. I breathe, my face flies open. Friday 29-Jan-93 17:31:11 from sleeping beast ? Friday 29-Jan-93 18:24:37 from nehpets I very much dislike having a headache for 4 days. CG, M, 4, 2, bfah. Help me Help me, beware. Watch the sky, before. May never, evermore. Saturday 30-Jan-93 16:22:06 from nehpets How many people, it seems, will never notice that other people actually exist around them. On campus. they are so unaware that you can often walk straight towards them and slam into them and then they still wont acknowledge that there is someone there, they'll often just walk around and go on. Saturday 30-Jan-93 21:58:01 from sleeping beast heh Saturday 30-Jan-93 23:59:22 from Nightsong But how many people will we also see, acknowledge, and wonder whether they saw us or will some day see us? What if we get to know one of these people later and never actually remember? And what happens to all of those people you see walking down the street every day once they turn a corner? Sunday 31-Jan-93 07:20:12 from nehpets I try to see and look into every person I run accross. This is of course a huge strain, so I generally ignore most of the purely ant-like, with no peak of mind to make them seem interesting. If I see a person I pay attention to like this later, I will remember. Once they turn the corner, follow them. or, well, if you don't want to follow them, then they cease to be actively existing. At some point you may see/meet them again, but thats around the corner. Sunday 31-Jan-93 17:57:03 from Shadow But if you turn the corner to follow them and they are no longer in sight. Were they ever there on that particular corner to begin with? Perchance they had slipped from another time and place and wound up there and then returned from when they came. Sunday 31-Jan-93 19:08:00 from nehpets Yeah, but if you truly follow them, not just go around the corner as well, you'll go to wherever they are. Monday 01-Feb-93 19:37:56 from sleeping beast i wish i could really do that. Monday 01-Feb-93 21:46:10 from nehpets Everybody can, it's just a matter of following, not assuming you know where you're going. Tuesday 02-Feb-93 08:12:04 from Shadow If time and space are truly a fabric [as it's been cliqued to be] isn't it possible to iether cut the fabric or rip it? AND, if so...think of what you can make with the fabric. Tuesday 02-Feb-93 18:01:47 from nehpets It's not a time and space aren't fabrics, they're planes of instance. its the 'spacetime' bit, rather, the conglomeration of these planes, that is rumoured to be a fabric. And as such, it can be applied, but it isn't a 'fabric' like we're used to , we don't deal with an orderly array of threads, but a random weaving of dimension, if, indeed, it can be called 'weaving'. Imagination is a molding of this fabric, anything you make, or that is made by another, is made of this fabric. That is the idea, this fabric makes what technically 'exists' among it. How do you cut that which, even would it be considered 'cut' or 'ripped', is therefore still among itself, and no longer cut or ripped? Saturday 06-Feb-93 15:41:43 from sleeping beast Saturday 06-Feb-93 18:26:44 from nehpets And ever do I walk, yet my feet never feel the ground. I cannot help but enjoy my condition, yet enjoyment is shallow when half of me lies dormant, that I cannot go furthur or be more for another. Saturday 06-Feb-93 22:23:41 from nehpets In the night, the sounds gone, the air whispering softly at me, I walk. I wander out into the dead city. The only sounds of humanity occasional sounds of a car far off in the distance. I am alone except for whoever I bring with me. The world exists only for me now. I can do anything I want, go anywhere, say anything, in such a way that nobody can even try to think of me. The world takes me in as part of it. A colony of felines. Wandering a palace of darkness. I stop and talk to them, they shimmer off. Its their world here, this night, this beauty. Missing darkness, the bright harsh lights of humanity cannot be escaped here, but were they gone, this world would not accept me as I am. Our humanity brings horrid things into this nature, and makes them a part of the nature. The world, this earth, this feeling around us, it rejects us as it may, but must accept us that it continues. Without the trappings of my humanity, I would be dead as such a human, in body, if not mind. I whisper back to this world this night, take me away. Tuesday 09-Feb-93 11:03:37 from sleeping beast Friday 12-Feb-93 18:11:17 from nehpets In wonder I watch the world slow down, their blood freezes, their bodies stop, their lives pause. They die these few hours, ever lost. Friday 12-Feb-93 21:24:36 from nehpets And I wander the realms beyond our sight and speak to those behind our life. And among these, find a life of more than life. For life, with death, truly seems better. Saturday 13-Feb-93 03:07:07 from nehpets Slipping softly in. A slight breeze spoke his name. Saturday 13-Feb-93 14:27:57 from Nightsong I have been reading all of the messages in here.. There is only one that I disagree with. The one which seems to call anyone with a 4.0 a complete conformist. I believe it also calls us "trapped".. Anyone who spends at least a day around me knows I am both a non-conformist and not "trapped" as you seem to say.. Monday 15-Feb-93 04:43:20 from nehpets Oh, nono, you didn't grasp that. That was was referring to those who do 4.0 *to* conform. Not that those who do 4.0 confrom and are trapped. - As written following: --- The actual people will do anything, flunk, 4.0, any end, anywhere in between, and be forced to conform to normalcy if left to others. --- This statement was supposed to clarify, even it is a bit cryptic. The one who conforms to a societal 'smart'ness is what I was talkingabout, and the one who is oneself does whatever, but if left up to other people, would be forced to confrom. I do a 4.0 myself whenever I bother to attend regularily, 4.0 hasnothing to do with conformity, however, would people do what people expect of 'smarter' people, they would be forced to get 4.0s (as much as they could), and become trapped as they further and further attended to the demands on their intelligence by OTHERS, as opposed to themselves. Monday 15-Feb-93 13:45:25 from Nightsong oh alright.. must have misread a message :) Monday 15-Feb-93 17:14:49 from nehpets Flowing river, slowly filling up. Silt gone, silt here. It's not a river anymore. Thursday 18-Feb-93 18:48:01 from sleeping beast miss you steph. Thursday 18-Feb-93 19:16:19 from nehpets Miss you too. na. Forever through the nights I wander, wonder Always in my mind I see you, flying Thursday 04-Mar-93 18:10:44 from nehpets simple thrills. To enjoy these little things. We do. While deeper joys may rule our lives, these simple thrills, Rule our days. Thursday 04-Mar-93 18:12:04 from nehpets When many things remind you of a person, and you spend some portion of each day remembering, or contemplating, or thinking on, that person. A time to think. The future is still so long. Thursday 04-Mar-93 21:16:58 from nehpets Sometimes I feel a strong push from inside. It surrounds me inside, and pushes outward. It fills my mind with the things I am capable of. It gives me the confidence in what I know I can do, when I already have such confidence, but it tries to force this upon me that I would show outwards. Exhilerating. Yet only if it stays inside. When it is allowed out even slightly, it is ruinous. Others may see, but none may experience. Friday 05-Mar-93 09:26:41 from CATHEAD :) im listening. Friday 05-Mar-93 11:44:53 from nehpets Every day I see again. Like my eyes have been closed forever before, as I look around me, I see everything freshly. Its all new, its all fascinating. Everything changes constantly. Can you see the difference? Every person as well. They're always different. More so. Every time you see a person, you can look inside their eyes, and see worlds that have grown and shattered. Entire lives that bloom and shrivel. I sometimes feel I want so much to do something with, and about this. To become more a part of the world. To experience the lifetimes and changes of everything, everybody. That every waking moment is more than a lifetime of the universe that is supposedly around us. Saturday 06-Mar-93 17:01:36 from Nightsong Kind of like when you are in one of those Chinese restaurants and every time you pour yourself more tea, it tastes fresher than the last.. (but no i really do know what you mean:) Sunday 07-Mar-93 01:10:20 from CATHEAD wow nephets, you can see all that? in peoples eyes? wow, hmmm this has been a refreshing room so far, much different then the other t-bit rooms, much more interesting then most in my opinion. Monday 08-Mar-93 00:42:04 from nehpets A persons eyes show themselves. If someone will open themselves up, looking deep into a persons eyes can show them completely. It can be such a deeply emotional mingling, two persons totally involved in each other, becoming a single entity for those solemn moments. Years pass. Monday 08-Mar-93 16:12:15 from CATHEAD Teach me. Monday 08-Mar-93 18:24:57 from nehpets Teach you what? The world abound. Monday 08-Mar-93 22:35:58 from Nightsong It is usually possible to tell a lot from someone's eyes..A lot of people don't recognise this..However something about my nature will not let me look anyone directly in the eye..I mean I can look at their eye but not with my head fully turned and out the front of mine..Unfortunately, many people take this for dishonesty. Monday 08-Mar-93 22:43:18 from nehpets Dishonesty isn't higind ones eyes, it involves presenting false eyes. which is possible. The thing is, you can tell when they're false, so usually they just make them balkn (not allow others to see inside). Many people hide their eyes. Sometimes I think thats why god gave females hair. =) Monday 08-Mar-93 22:45:15 from Nightsong Yes..However many people consider not looking someone directly in the eye dishonesty..Dishonesty is more of a whole-body thing..A certain uncoordination of mannerisms which lets you know not to trust someone.. Tuesday 09-Mar-93 22:56:14 from nehpets Walking alone through the trees, I never bothered with the light. The light could come and go, some things would, apparently, be visible in it, while actually obscured, their true faces covered by the bright, overbearing, light. I came upon a bird, beautiful. The bird sang, and I listened. The bird liked the light. For some things, beauty is seem as one side of two. For them, the light throws away much of the other side of the coin. Birds are often like that. I wonder what the birds sing in the shallow depths in the absence of their light. BUt the bird sang now, in the light. And I listened to the song. And I felt the song. A stream that flew high up in the sky, and I followed. It dived to the earth, the green, the bright, the warm. I saw the world, alive, alit, around. I was not hungry, this light fed my soul, my body buoyed by the sounds alone. Thirst was quenched by the wind in the clouds. The sweet sweet sounds that pierced me led me ever onward. I cried that I would never see the dark. But the song ended. Not forever, not even for any time. The song went on forever, but it was not my song. It was that of another, others. Forever sung, beyond me. Beyond me. The light goes away, not stealing the warmth and sounds and life, just uncovering those other things. In the dark, I heard another song. This song didn't soar the heights, or drink in the depths. This song was not cheerful, but it was not depressing. It fills with sorrow, but not alone. I am the earth now, I feel the trees, as I am them as well, spread out, freedom in the depths such here. I feel all thigns around and on me. I feel the light and its absence. I feel the fullness. All is such, as it is. I feel beyond, those things that mingle not with what I am, but yet I know of them, and in them, and they of me, and we are yet one together. Nothing is beyond me here. I lift my heart to enjoy it. I spread my arms at the height of the cliff, I leave, and fly, soaring downwards to its foot, I enter the ground. The worlds knows me, I am of its kind. Kind. kindness. THere is not just a light. There is a special dark. For as what is known as dark is merely the absence of light, so is it the absence of that opposite of light. In darkness, there is no contest. Light is not spurned, nor the other. BUt with the two, there is conflict. So I call this the Other. This Other feels the same. To cover that which may be the light, and some that is in the middle, as does light to Other. And there are things in the Other that rejoice that light is gone. The song of the Other thus. That one is oneself. One does not be anywhere. One within. Blood. One bleeds. The pain is itself. So feels the pain. I feel the pain. The pain inside is treasure, I seek it, I seek to scream in agony, bleed in death, see no light. I wander, and as those in the light fear me, my pain, my sight inside, so do I hide from that light. In that light there is other than me. Pain is merely a fraction of a fraction of insignificance. How can I be a part, when I am the whole. Whole. All parts. Light and Other are not all. So many sides, all hiding from each other. But not in the whole. There are other birds as well. I know a bird. A bird whos song I cannot relate, who life I watch. many there are like this. But even those of the whole can cry out for parts of the whole. But that they remain parts, and such the whole may only seem them at times, when they are not away from teh parts they dislike. So exists these other worlds, other times, other ways, other minds. ANd so I look into all, and see beyond it lack of all. THis Nothing cries and pulls naught it. Yet often does it hold those that could have once been of the whole had this not been Nothing. Some day. Tuesday 09-Mar-93 23:39:03 from nehpets Forever dreaming, my dear. Forever into the the bounds of my mind. Forever lost in thoughts of you. Your world my dream, yet I dream of you. Forever here. I'm forever here. Wednesday 10-Mar-93 11:54:30 from CATHEAD do you have a printer for those last two? very nice. Wednesday 10-Mar-93 13:15:51 from nehpets Yes. Do you want a hardcopy? Hrm. World feels wierd today. Thursday 11-Mar-93 01:41:28 from CATHEAD yes I would like a copy, the world felt pretty good today actually! Thursday 11-Mar-93 15:50:20 from nehpets I said that yesterday though. =) Monday 15-Mar-93 15:40:18 from nehpets Singing skies. Tuesday 16-Mar-93 08:01:58 from Shadow Just when you think that life is getting ready to turn coat and be fair and lovely, that is the time for the great cosmic joke to kick in. The punchline could be any number of things but beware of it. It is usually something surreal and totally unexpected. Tuesday 16-Mar-93 21:04:06 from CATHEAD I am very much in touch with that. Wednesday 17-Mar-93 04:04:12 from nehpets Savour change and the unexpected. The surreal is the only chance we have to see some escape from this. Thursday 18-Mar-93 00:29:51 from nehpets Fly the night. The passion speaks its mind The thought travels onward, hiding. The word lingers long. Long again. The tear washes it away. Thursday 18-Mar-93 16:09:54 from sleeping beast Friday 19-Mar-93 08:27:48 from Shadow The strings of life are getting bent. Or so it seems lately. I'm not so sure that even that bad stuff that sometimes happens isn't good stuff disguised so we can't take notice that it's good. Then again panthers are wonderful creatures to have within you. Friday 19-Mar-93 13:48:10 from nehpets Even better to have some around you as well. =) Much 'bad' is indeed good, in some way. And some people 'get through it' because they know it means good will happen to keep the balance. The trick is to find something good in that itself, not by its consequences. Saturday 20-Mar-93 04:43:17 from nehpets I don't want to care anymore. I don't want anything to work out. I wan't to be depressed. I want my life to f**k up. I want to be able to hate something long enough to do something about it. I went beyond the things that I didn't want. I learned to enjoy whatever I had as the best. THen things picked up. Not only did I fully enjoy what I had as best, it got better. My life is perfect now. I have money coming in, faster and faster. I have thigns building up, better and better. I'm learning more and more. I'm in complete control of what I want to happen around me. I'm happy enough with the way things happen that I hardly ever *want* anything to happena around me, so it goes on its own. I can't f**k up. I can't lose anything. I can't hate. I can't love. I can't help myself. I'm bored. Dull and f**king bored. I have to simulate depression. Things work so well I can't stand it. But I'm afraid. Afraid. I Can't go back. I'd lose everything. Once I went back, I couldn't deal with not having anything anymore. I can't even really be afraid. I see myself, and know it to be fear, but I can't FEEL it. I can't swing far from the middle anymore. I sit in the middle of all emotions and cry out beyond them, only to snap back before I can experience it. All I have is this glimmer. All I have is hidden inside me. I can't get anything out. I can't get anything in. God help me, I'm trapped forever. I've trapped myself forever. I find myself in another person. A person who can still feel. When that person lets me in, I can still feel. I need them to stay there. I will give them my perfection if they give me their imperfection. I can't hold on. It slowly leaves me. I'm alone again. I'm always alone. So alone inside. I want to lose it. But I can't. I can't risk returning. I'm not afraid of death, I'm not afraid of life. I'm not afraid of feeling, anything. I'm afraid of going back, and finding out that back is just as boring. Just as lonely. One needs both. Both perfection and imperfection. This is why it cannot be found in oneself. This is why one needs lifemate. this is why 'opposites attract' One perfection, one imperfection, become One. I cannot even cry.