I didn't want to die.  I let everybody know what I was going to do.
 They never expressed more than passing concern.  I didn't want to do
it.  But if I didn't, they would all think me a fool.  I don't know why
I acted like it it the first place.  I never wanted to.  I guess, I guess,
I don't know.
    But now its done.  I didn't want to die, dear god, I did not want
to die.  Now.  Is this death.  Am I in heaven? or hell...  Perhaps purgetory,
to work out my life.  All I remember is the pain.  The sharpness, as
life was instantly worth more than I could ever know.  As everything
I saw was vivid, real.  At that moment, more than any other, I never
wanted to die.  At that moment, I saw how much I wanted to live, how
much I cared for this world and the people who were my friends.  How
 much I would never want to cause pain.  Then it all went away.  I can't
even remember what I saw, just that I saw it.  I do not see now, but
I know whats there.  Nothing.. All around me, nothing.  All I can think,
all I can do, is to think of life, and those that I left there.  My only
memory is the love I felt for all I left behind.  Even if none of it
loved me back.  Must I stay here forever, among nothing that I know.
 It is foolish to wish to go back and change it, it cannot be done. 
But I wish it anyway.  It is all I wish, there is no future here, I can
never leave nothing, for, being nothing, I can not be in it.  Then I
too must be nothing.  Will I become more of that which I am surrounded
by?  Shall I lose my pain, the last I own.  Shall I lose my remnants
of reality, till I become nothing.  The pain of that alone will become
worse, till all I am left with is a pain.  A pain I can not even feel,
just know.  A pain of loss, total loss.  I will know what I can not be.
 I will know what I cannot feel.  A pain.  Never to feel it, but always
to have it.  Now I am lost.  Now I am nothing, and will never know, what
I was, what I could be.